Mark Wahlberg John Seth MacFarlane Ted (voice) Amanda Seyfried Samantha Jessica Barth Tami-Lynn Giovanni Ribisi Donny Morgan Freeman Patrick Meighan Sam J. Jones Sam J. Jones Patrick Warburton Guy Michael Dorn Rick Bill Smitrovich Frank John Slattery Shep Wild Cocoa Brown Joy John Carroll Lynch Tom Jessup Ron Canada Judge Liam Neeson Customer Dennis Haysbert Fertility Doctor Patrick Stewart Narrator (voice) Tom Brady Tom Brady Jay Leno Jay Leno Jimmy Kimmel Jimmy Kimmel Kate McKinnon Kate McKinnon Bobby Moynihan Bobby Moynihan Taran Killam Taran Killam Sebastian Arcelus Dr. Ed Danzer Jay Patterson Karl Jackson Steve Callaghan Comic Nana Visitor Adoption Agent Maggie Geha Female Nurse Jessica Szohr Allison Craig Ricci Shaynak Blind Guy Lexi Atkins Waitress Jack Knight Todd Kidder Lauren Sánchez Boston Newscaster William Xifaras Boston Neighbor Julius Sharpe NYC Doctor Alec Sulkin Obi-Wan Ralph Garman Stormtrooper Vanessa Vander Pluym Juror Becki Dennis Receptionist Michael Trisler Cyclist David Goldman Pundit Ronobir Lahiri Pundit Barry Ratcliffe Pundit Chris Regan Pundit Nefetari Spencer Pundit Wellesley Wild Pundit Lenny Clarke Cop (Boston PD) Johnny Alves Security Guard John Viener Police Dispatcher Tara Strong Ted Toy (voice) John Franchi Bar Patron (uncredited) Enku Gubaie Wedding Guest (uncredited) Tina Grimm Comic Con Booth Girl (uncredited) Christopher Weigel Well Wisher (uncredited)